Across Time and Space

Could it be my illusion? Coulf whatever I believe is happening not happening at all?

My mind says yes but my heart says no. For the first time ever I am am able to feel something yet knowing that what I’m feeling is not real.

How interesting.

I am able to work better without you. You are a distraction. Look how calm and focussed I get without you anyway near me.

Oh I can’t wait till the day we won’t see each other again.

I will come back. When I do I have no idea of what my condition will be. Probably weaker. Perhaps it’s a chance for a new beginning, like what I wished for. But no coach. No team. Just a solo climber. Perhaps I was never destined to be a professional climber but at least I know where my passion lies. In times of stress and emptiness I know what to do.

I will be back. All this will pass and I will be back. You will be my lighted beacon I’m working towards.

“Yet the emptiness embeds itself in my heart”

Thr pain didn’t come immediately after the last whistle was blown. It was some time later when the results were out and reality started to sink in.

Oh my dear God,
I’m depressed. Depression is sinking in.

Headache. Emptiness again. I dreamt that I was climbing today. What does that mean? 

Worried too. About what? I don’t know. 7 more weeks to CT2, trying to start studying now and found it very hard to do so. 

Heartache. Losing something that I really love. I can’t believe my climbing journey is ending soon. My last, last chance to redeem myself. What makes things worse is the strong gut feeling that it won’t turn out well. My last competition and this is how it’s going to turn out? How will I ever forgive myself? 

Scared. Terrified. 

I know what I want for my future. That thought drives me on. 

Thinking about what happened, how he used to be so proud of me and now he barely looks at me. I was right about him giving up on me. The rest just didn’t know how it felt like. When people gave up on you. What happened? Why did I let myself become like this?